With the recent onslaught of historically-based (if not always historically accurate) films that have been flickering across theater screens of late, we thought it was time to offer some of our own ideas for "historical blockbusters" that we wish someone would make. And so, with no further ado, here they are...
DAY OF THE HATCHET: THE LIZZIE BORDEN STORY
Aside from the critically-lauded, but extremely tame 1970s TV movie starring Elizabeth Montgomery as America's most famous alleged and ultimately acquitted murderess, we've never seen a film about Lizzie Borden. We find that strange, considering the wealth of untapped "Lizzie material" just waiting to be made into a movie, not to mention the interest that her story still generates among those who love a good unsolved 19th century double homicide case. The story of Lizzie Borden has all the components necessary for a historically-based blockbuster: a lonely old maid who yearns for a higher place on the local society ladder, a rich, but tight-fisted father who refuses to indulge her desires, a dowdy stepmother intent on advancing her own family's interests over that of her stepchildren, a meek sister whose true agenda is never clear, and an Irish maid who seems to know more than she's willing to tell. On top of all that, there's the town itself---quintessential New England, divided equally between the haves and have nots, and populated by more quirky characters than you can shake a stick at. And what about the pear that Lizzie claimed she was eating when the murders of her parents took place? We can see it now. The movie opens with a close-up of Lizzie's hand holding the pear, then, as the camera pans upward to her mouth as she takes the first bite, we hear a horrified scream from the next room and cut immediately to the image of the maid staring, frozen, at Andrew Borden's hatchet-chopped body lying on the sofa in the parlor. Did Lizzie do it, or was she really just munching on that pear with no idea that her father had been turned into beefsteak during his afternoon nap? Lizzie Borden may have been acquitted of the heinous act, but the truth is, we'll never know for certain. It remains an unsolved crime, with no other viable suspects. But that's what makes the case so tantalizing and such perfect fodder for a movie. The only thing the story doesn't have is a love interest for Lizzie, but who to say there couldn't be one? Maybe she had a thing for her lawyer, or the pharmacist who sold her the percussic acid she bought a few days before her parents met their grisly end. As long as the rest of the facts are right, there's always room for a little artistic license. We just wish that someone out there would take it.
SUFFERAGETTE CITY: THE MOVIE
Well, why
not a major motion picture about the 19th century suffragette movement? You have a ton of interesting characters to pick from: the strong and serious feminist prototype, Susan B. Anthony, the brilliant former abolitionist Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and, on the other end of the
fin de sicle, the notorious British suffragette leader, Mary "Slasher" Richardson. You have women marching in the streets, women in jail on hunger strikes, and even women throwing themselves in front of horses and carriages and being trampeled to death in the name of the cause. All against a backdrop of personal relationships, angry politicians, and a divided populace. It's great stuff. A human drama just begging to be transferred to celluloid. Not to mention that it would give at least one or two older actresses a chance to shine in a role that might result in an Academy Award. I can see Susan Sarandon as Susan B. Anthony right now. There's even room for a gratuitous sex scene or two. After all, just because a woman is willing to jump in the path of a speeding buggy for the sake of making a political point doesn't mean she's adverse to romance. The suffragette story has it all. All we need is someone to write a good screenplay.
THE MYSTERY OF THE MARY CELESTE
On November 5, 1872, the Mary Celeste, a British-American merchant brigatine carrying a cargo of 1,701 gallons of commercial alcohol, left port in Staten Island, New York and headed for Genoa, Italy. On board were Captain Benjamin Briggs, a seasoned seven-man crew, and Briggs' wife and two-year-old daughter. There was no reason to think that anything would go wrong before the ship reached its destination across the Atlantic. But something did. A month later, the Mary Celeste was discovered abandoned, still seaworthy, its cargo intact, and seven months rations of food and water. However, there was no sign of Captain Briggs, his family, or the crew. Even more perplexing, there were no signs of a struggle and, except for water on the deck and in the hold and the fact that one of the ship's seven lifeboats was missing, there were no real clues as to what might have happened to those on board. Was it pirates? An alien abduction? The possibilities are endless and just waiting to be made into a speculative historical blockbuster. Haven't we seen enough movies about The Titanic? It's time for a new tragedy-at-sea movie, with its own overplayed, sappy theme song. It's time for the Mary Celeste.
BEHIND THE KING'S SPEECH
She was a beautiful social-climbing femme fatale. He was an overweight, self-indulgent, ill-tempered English monarch. But, after years of seducing wealthy noblemen and reaping the financial benefits, Alice Keppel found the sugardaddy of her dreams in Edward VII, whose reputation as a notorious womanizer equaled hers as a high-profile mistress. It was a match made in historical movie romance heaven. The future great grandmother of equally successful mistress Camilla Parker Bowles and the father of Edward VIII and George V (see "The King's Speech") fell madly in love and embarked on a relationship that lasted until Edward's death. In between there was enough romance, royal drama, and personal struggle to...well...fill two hours of screen time. Why did poor Bertie stutter and require speech lessons? The answer is probably right here, waiting for us, if only someone would make the historical blockbuster that this love story was meant to be.
Well, there you have it. Our humble offerings for the big screen, rooted in history and ready for review....by movie critics. All they need is for someone to make them into a movie.
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